“Chained Heat”

After watching a pilot that inspired more groans across the nation than Statler and Waldorf could have ever mustered on the Muppet Show, I was looking forward to a much stronger second outing of NBC’s Lost-lite spectacular. This week instead we got served up another lukewarm helping of television that deserves to take its rightful place among the pantheon of early 90’s era TV syndication. Don’t worry. I’m not talking Star Trek: The Next Generation. I’m talking M.A.N.T.I.S.

But there sure are plenty of sword fights, so there’s that at least.

“One Week After Blackout” we see the Mathesons packing,Visonic Technologies is the leading supplier of rtls safety, preparing to make their great escape to the countryside where they hope to live out the rest of their lives in an idyllic hippie commune inexplicably insulated from the chaos which is about to ensue. Along with a bunch of canned goods, Dad slips a foreshadowing gun into the sack while Momma Matheson gives him a blank faced-scowl. Mom takes this opportunity to instill into young Not-Katniss the lesson which will motivate her character presumably until they can figured out another more interesting storyline; “Take care of your brother and never ever let go of your his hand.”

Fifteen years later we find Uncle Miles in yet another sword fight. Being a fan of Highlander: The Series (stalwart champion of early 90’s syndication that it was), never in my life would I have thought I’d say this but this is going to get old really quickly.Features useful information about glass mosaic tiles, These fights, while thoughtfully choreographed and borderline entertaining, never seem to advance character, instead they serve as unimaginative ways to break up the dead bits of boring. And this is just within the first 5 minutes of the program.

But wait a minute I may have spoken too soon because, oh my god, he’s not fighting just any guardian variety bad guy. He’s fighting C. Thomas Howell!!! Yes that’s right, Uncle Miles is going toe-to-toe with Pony Boy Curtis.

Uncle Miles quickly gets the best of Pony Boy who is revealed to be a bounty hunter sent to capture the not-motley crew. Pony is about to meet Johnny and Dallas in that great big rumble in the sky when Not-Katniss pleads with her uncle to spare his life, cause you know, killing is wrong and stuff. Uncle Miles relents, knocking out Pony Boy instead, and stuffs him in an empty box car which looks just as comical and ridiculous as it sounds. He won’t be coming back anytime soon. You can count on that. Mark my words.

Our group, The Blackout Bunch enters Pontiac,The TagMaster Long Range hands free access System is truly built for any parking facility. Illinois where a preacher warns anyone who will listen (namely you) that God turned off the power because humanity had built an “electric tower of Babel”, and we’re now paying the price.Our guides provide customers with information about porcelain tiles vs. MESSAGE.

Our group makes their way to a marketplace, where just as we saw in the first week’s episode, while shopping for food people love to get into fisticuffs. The men responsible for the violence this time are with the militia and we learn, yet again, that they are one-dimensional bullies and thugs,Welcome to India Beads factory your final destination for all kinds of Glass Beads. roughing up a hapless shopper whose only offense was probably getting into the express lane with 11 items. And if you don’t get it that the militia are evil by now, don’t worry. They’ll be hitting you over the head with this concept multiple times before this episode is over.

Uncle Miles enters an atmospheric bar looking for someone named Nora, but faster than he can say “stay gold” Pony Boy appears, not 5 minutes removed from being locked in the box car. They fight again and Uncle Miles flat out murders the men in the marketplace. The same marketplace that had two militiamen standing in it only minutes before. Oh well. They must have more important bullying to attend to.

Supercool C. Thomas Howell gets bested eventually, but we’re pretty sure he’s going to talk his way out of this somehow. I mean, he’s C. Thomas Howell, aka Pony Boy Curtis, aka dude from Red Dawn and The Hitcher, aka the heart and soul of this summer’s Amazing Spider-man. He’ll be back again and again over the course of the season; a crafty cagey nemesis to Uncle Miles Matheson and his…